Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this…



When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.



After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."



"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.



But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.



The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.



So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.



It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.



But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."



The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.



But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley


To read more beautiful and heartwarming autism poems click here.

Some Sad Facts About Suicide

1. The word “suicide” comes from two Latin roots, sui (“of oneself”) and cidium (“killing” or “slaying”).ⁱ
2. People have committed suicide in an endless variety of ways, including swallowing poisonous spiders, power-drilling holes in their heads, sticking hot pokers down their throats, choking on underwear, injecting peanut butter into their veins, crushing their necks in vices, and hurling themselves into vats of beer.^b
3. In China, someone takes his or her own life on average every two minutes. China accounts for nearly a quarter of the global total of suicides with between 250,000 and 300,000 suicides a year.^b
4. Among famous figures who committed suicide: Sigmund Freud, Cleopatra, Mark Antony, Brutus, Judas Iscariot, Hannibal, Nero, Virginia Wolf, Adolf Hitler, Ernest Hemmingway, Sylvia Plath, Vincent van Gogh, Jack London, Dylan Thomas, Judy Garland, Rudolph Hess, Pontius Pilate, Socrates, and possibly Tchaikovsky, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe.ⁱ
5. It is more likely someone will die from suicide than from homicide. For every two people killed by homicide, three people die of suicide.^b

The suicide rate in the United States has been climbing steadily since 1999

6. In America, someone attempts suicide once every minute, and someone completes a suicide once every 17 minutes. Throughout the world, approximately 2,000 people kill themselves each day.^b
7. Suicide is the 8^th leading cause of death in the United States.^b
8. The most common types of suicide include copycat, euthanasia, familicide, forced, honor, Internet, martyrdom, ritual, attack, and cop suicides.^b
9. The acne medication isotretinoin (Acutane) has been linked to a possible increase risk of suicide. The FDA requires Acutane to include a label warning that the product may be linked to suicide, depression, and psychosis.^b
10. The spring months of March, April, and May have consistently shown to have the highest suicide rate, 4-6% higher than the average for the rest of the year. Christmas season is actually below average. Some studies suggest greater seasonality in suicides in rural rather than urban areas.^g
11. When her husband Caecina Paetus hesitated to kill himself honorably, his wife Arria (d. A.D. 42) snatched the dagger from her husband, stabbed herself, and handed the weapon back with the words “Paete, non dolet“ (“Paeuts, it does not hurt”).ⁱ
12. French philosopher Albert Camus (1913-1960) perhaps best explains the divergent views philosophers and theologians hold concerning suicide when he said, “What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.”^e
13. David Carradine, famous for his roles in the 1970s series Kung Fu and the Kill Bill movie trilogy, was found hanging in a hotel closet with a yellow nylon rope around his neck and a black rope around his genitals. Family members deny it was a suicide.^a
14. Autoerotic asphyxiation, also know as sexual hanging, is a type of abnormal sexual behavior in which a person (usually a young male) tries to restrict the flow of oxygen to the brain (usually with a rope around the neck) while masturbating to enhance the sexual experience. The practice arose out of the observation that men executed by hanging often got an erection and sometimes ejaculated. The practice is mentioned in Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.^b
15. A college student committed suicide by taking a drug overdose in front of a live Web cam while some users egged him on. There are also several pro-Internet sites that give detailed information on the most effective ways to commit suicide.^c

Older adults have the highest suicide rates, more than 50% higher than young people

16. While there is a common perception that suicide rates are highest among the young, the elderly, in fact, have the highest suicide rates.^e
17. Some studies suggest a correlation between a sport team’s performance and fans’ suicide rates.^f
18. Sylvia Plath’s (1932-1963) novel The Bell Jar, about a gifted young woman’s mental breakdown, mirrors Plath’s own breakdown and is considered to be one of the best-told tales of a woman’s descent into insanity. It was published only weeks before Plath killed herself.^g
19. One of the first defenses of suicide written in English was John Donne’s (1572-1631) unorthodox Biathanos (1609). In his work, Donne proposed that suicide is not incompatible with the laws of God, reason, and nature. Other writers such as Voltaire (1694-1778) and Hume (1711-1776) also attacked suicide taboos and led the way to abandoning legal punishments of suicide attempters.ⁱ
20. Many cultures have prohibited a normal burial for people who committed suicide, although the restrictions varied according to time and place. A common practice in England until 1823 was to bury a suicidal person at night in a crossroad with a stake driven through the heart. In France, the suicide’s body was dragged through the streets and then hanged from the public gallows. In Prussia, early laws required the victim to be buried under the gallows.^j
21. One in seven Canadians has seriously considered suicide, and more than 3,500 Canadians kill themselves each year. Canada’s suicide rate (currently 12.3 per 100,000) is consistently higher than the United States' rate (currently 11.2).^b
22. Over the last decade, the suicide rate among young children has increased dramatically. In 2002, suicide was the sixth leading cause of death of five- to 14-year olds and the third leading cause of death in preteens. Suicidologists are alarmed that children as young as age two are also increasingly attempting suicide.^b
23. Five to 10% of suicides take place in mental hospitals.^e
24. There is some evidence that suicide attempts during the first week of the menstrual cycle may be associated with low levels of estrogen.^g

American troops are committing suicide in the largest numbers since records began in the 1980s

25. During 2008, 140 American soldiers committed suicide, breaking all previous suicide records in the military. In the first four months of 2009, 91 soldiers committed suicide. If this rate continues throughout 2009, by the end of the year more than 270 soldiers will have killed themselves, leading some scholars to claim there is a suicide epidemic in the military.^h
26. Caucasians tend to have higher suicide rates than African Americans.^b
27. In ancient times, sometimes groups of people would commit suicide rather than be taken prisoner or tortured by their captors. For example, in AD 473, 960 Jews died in what appears to have been a mass murder/suicide on top of Masada rather than be enslaved by the Romans. Only two women and five children escaped this death.ⁱ
28. On November 18, 1978, the dynamic leader of a religious group called the People’s Temple ordered his followers to drink cyanide-laced juice. In all, 913 people died, including nearly 300 children. The leader, Jim Jones (1931-1978), shot himself in the head.^f
29. In India, a Hindu wife was expected to throw herself on her husband’s burning body on the funeral pyre so she could enter the next life with him. The practice (called suttee) was abolished in 1829 by British India, though isolated cases of it have occurred into the twenty-first century. The term derived from the goddess Sati, and the term sati is now sometimes used to describe a chaste woman.^b
30. In Japanese culture, seppuku (“stomach cutting”) was a ritual suicide performed by warriors (usually Samurai) about to get captured. During the ritual, the warrior would slice up his abdomen and stretch out his neck, and then one of his comrades would behead him with one stroke. While the practice was banned in the seventeenth century, it has persisted to this day.^b
31. Only seven instances of suicide are reported in the Old Testament and one in the New Testament. Old Testament suicides include Samson, Saul, Saul’s armor bearer, Ahitophel, Zimri, Razis, and Abimelech. In the New Testament, Judas Iscariot is the only recorded suicide.^b
32. Hegesias (320-280 B.C.) was known as the “Death Persuader” or the “Advocate of Death” and belonged to a minor school of Greek philosophy named Cyrenaics which advocated an early version of hedonism. Hegasias' lectures prompted so many listeners to commit suicide that he was forbidden to speak.ⁱ
33. Aceldama (“field of blood”), where Judas killed himself near Jerusalem, became a pauper’s burial ground after priests bought it with the 30 pieces of silver flung at their feet by Judas.^b
34. Though the Bible doesn’t specifically prohibit suicide and there is no particular word for the act itself, Christianity general condemns the practice as initially stated by St. Augustine. He was concerned with the decimation of Christians by suicide and condemned those who committed suicide just so they could gain immediate entrance into heaven. He successfully supplanted the Roman ideal of heroic individualism with a Platonic concept of submission to divine authority. In A.D. 563, the Council of Braga officially condemned suicide.ⁱ
35. The Qu’ran explicitly forbids suicide as the gravest sin, more serious even than homicide. Muslims believe that each individual has his or her kismet or destiny, which is preordained by God and must not be defied. But killing oneself as an act of jihad (holy war) is not considered a suicide.^b
36. In the Mayan culture, hanging was the only method of suicide deemed appropriate and anyone who committed suicide this way was guaranteed a place in the afterlife. They even had a goddess of the noose and the gallows named Ixtab (“Rope Woman”).^b

Hanging is the leading method of suicide around the world and is particularly popular in rural areas

37. Hanging is the leading method of suicide worldwide.^b
38. Although women attempt suicide about three times more often than men, men complete suicide about three times more often than women.^f
39. Four out of five people who commit suicide have attempted to kill themselves at least once previously.^f
40. Suicide is the leading cause of death for people with schizophrenia.^f
41. A number of suicidologists have criticized news coverage of suicides, citing that reading about suicide victims in the news often triggers copycat or “contagion” suicides.^f
42. During the Middle Ages, suicide was often equated with murder and even diabolical possession in various parts of Europe. Three common penalties existed: confiscation of property, degradation of corpse, and refusal of burial in consecrated grounds. These views persisted throughout the eighteenth century.^j
43. Although Nero (A.D. 37-68) insisted he wanted to commit suicide honorably, he actually had himself killed by an attendant. During his lifetime, he had caused several suicides, including that of his teacher Seneca, the poet Lucan, and Petroniu, who is thought to be the author of Satyricon. These were all compulsory suicides in lieu of execution.ⁱ
44. Levels of a brain transmitter called serotonin is considered a possible predictor of suicide. Some researchers found that people with low levels of serotonin are six to 10 more times likely to commit suicide than are people with normal levels.^f
45. Suicide rates tend to reflect economic conditions. In the United States, for example, suicide rates declined during the prosperous years after WWI and WWII, but rose during the Great Depression. Ironically, suicide rates tend to decrease during times of war.^b
46. Oregon and Washington are the only states that specifically allow physician-assisted suicide under certain strict guidelines. A few of these guidelines include being diagnosed with a terminal illness that will lead to death in six months, making two oral requests and one written request for assistance separated by 15 days, and persuading two physicians that the patient is sincere and is not influenced by depression.^b
47. Beliefs about suicide varied in ancient Greece. The Stoics and Epicureans, for example, considered that one’s destiny was a personal choice. Cato, Pliny, and Seneca all thought the choice of suicide was acceptable. On the other hand, Pythagoras, Plato, Aristotle, Virgil, Ovid, and Cicero opposed suicide.ⁱ
48. Some scholars suggest that there are national preferences for modes of suicide. For example, the Russians prefer hanging, the English and Irish prefer poison, the Italians prefer firearms, and the Americans prefer firearms, poisons, and gas. Proclivities for certain methods tend to travel with immigrants wherever they go.^g
49. In Rome, razors, scalpels, and daggers were more common methods of suicide than hanging (which was seen as unclean and shameful), jumping, and poisoning or other drugs. Less often, but not rarely, the Romans starved themselves to death by refusing to eat or set themselves on fire (immolation).ⁱ
50. Martin Luther, Puritan religious leaders, and philosophers such as John Locke, Rousseau, and Kierkegaard were adamantly opposed to suicide.i
51. In America, the most common suicide method for both men and women is firearms, accounting for 60% of all suicides. For women, the next most common method is ingesting solid and liquid poison or pills. The next most common method for men is hanging/strangling/suffocation.^f
52. Though there is need to practice caution in the comparison of religion and suicide, studies suggest that in the United States, Catholics appear to have suicide rates higher than Jews but lower than Protestants. Generally speaking, higher suicide rates are found among the multi-denominational, loosely federated Protestants.^b
53. Several U.S. state and national studies suggest that suicide attempts among gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school students are higher than their heterosexual peers.^b

Abuse in early childhood may change the genetic structure of the brain, leading to a greater susceptibility to suicide

54. Experts believe that early exposure to child abuse may disrupt the proper development of communication pathways within the brain and, consequently, abuse victims are more likely than their peers to commit suicide.^f
55. There is increasing evidence that individuals with a family history of suicide are more vulnerable to becoming victims of suicide themselves.^b
56. While some studies seem to suggest a link between the use of Prozac and suicide rates, the makers of Prozac minimize a correlation.^b
57. No suicides have been reported in the several small South Sea Islands and the Hindu Kush Mountains of India. Countries that rank unusually high include Hungry, Denmark, Finland, Austria, Germany, Sweden, Switzerland, and Japan. Countries on the low end include Philippines, Angola, Jamaica, Mexico, the Bahamas, Kuwait, Jordan, Kenya, and Egypt.^b
58. New and less stringent attitudes toward suicide emerged during the Renaissance as churchly taboos began to lose their power. For example, Shakespeare’s tragedies typically present suicide in sympathetic terms, as seen in the suicides of Hamlet, Othello, Lear, Romeo, Juliet, Brutus, Antony, and Cleopatra. Sixteenth-century essayist Michel de Montaigne argues that the right to die was a personal choice, and Sir Thomas More (1478-1535) justified suicide as a form of euthanasia in his Utopia.ⁱ
59. A provocative 1982 book titled Suicide, mode d’emploi is both a how-to manual and a political manifesto encouraging readers to exercise their right to die. It contains information about those prescription drugs that ensure a “gentle death” along with how to calculate a lethal dose.^e
60. Famous literary suicides include Gustave Flaubert’s Madame Bovary (Madame Bovary), Victor Hugo’s Inspector Javert (Les Miserable), Goethe’s Werther (The Sorrows of Young Werther), Ridley Scott’s Thelma and Louise (Thelma and Louise), and Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina (Anna Karenina).^b
61. Most European countries formally decriminalized suicide in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, although it remained a crime in England and Wales until 1961 and in Ireland until 1993.ⁱ
62. Kamikaze (“divine wind”) pilots are an example of an altruistic suicide. More than 2,000 young Japanese died in this manner. The number of ships they sank is a matter of debate, with figures as low as 34 and as high as 70.^g
63. Attempted suicide was once considered a felony in Kentucky.^b
64. The first suicide note is thought to have been written by an Egyptian four thousand years ago. In his poems, he describes the pain of his existence and the attractions of death.^b
65. Russian poet Sergei Esenin (1895-1925) wrote an entire poem in his own blood that served as suicide note.^e
66. In a study of genuine suicide notes versus simulated ones, the genuine notes are much more specific about giving directives concerning property distribution and insurance policies and more concerned with the pain and suffering of others. They are more likely to express psychological pain and more likely to use “love” in their texts. The simulated notes give greater details about the motives of suicide, mention the act of suicide itself, and more often use euphemistic phrases for death and suicide.^e

Signs urging counseling are posted at the Golden Gate Bridge, the most popular place in the world to commit suicide

67. Popular suicide locations include San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge, Japan’s Aokigahara Forest (“sea of trees” or “suicide forest”), and England’s Beachy Head. In all these places there are posted signs urging potential victims to seek help.^g
68. The jump from the Golden Gate Bridge is 250 feet. Trauma from the jump is dramatic and can cause ripped blood vessels, demolished central nervous systems, and a transected spinal cord. While a few have died from drowning and one from a shark attack, most die from the impact of the body on the water. Only 1% who jump survive.^g
69. The Eskimo, Norse, Samoan, and Crow Indian cultures accepted and encouraged “altruistic” suicide among the elderly and sick.^f
70. Roman gladiators would sometimes thrust wooden sticks or spears down their throats or force their heads into the spokes of moving carts so that they could choose their own time of death rather than another person’s imposed time and way of dying.ⁱ
71. September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.^b
72. The top predictors for suicide are diagnosable mental condition, co-morbid substance abuse, loss of social support, and access to a firearm.^e
73. Children of parents who commit suicide are a higher risk to committee suicide later in life.^e
74. The first suicide recorded in the Bible was Abimelech, who lived in the twelfth century B.C. He was the son of Giddeon (Jerubbaal) and a concubine, and he attempted to kill his 70 half-brothers so he could be king. In his final battle, a woman dropped a millstone on his head, and he ordered his sword bearer to kill him so it wouldn’t be said he was killed by a woman.^b
75. Thirty-nine members of the Heaven’s Gate cult killed themselves in March 1997 in a mansion near San Diego. The victims were between 18 and 24 years old, drank a lethal mixture of Phenobarbital and vodka, and died over a three-day period. They believed their spirits would rendezvous with a UFO behind Comet Hale-Bopp.^e
76. Dante Alighieri (1265-1321) writes about the Wood of the Suicides in Canto XIII of his The Divine Comedy. He writes that Minos sends a suicide victim’s soul to the Seventh Circle of Hell (below heretics and murders) where it falls into the ground, grows into a sapling, and then into a tree. Harpies feed on the tree, causing it great pain. After Judgment Day, the suicide victim’s soul will hang from the thorns of trees.^b

Divorce usually leads more men than women to suicide

77. Divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. Moreover, children of divorce are at a higher risk for committing suicide when they grow up. Divorced and separated men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide than married men. Divorce, however, doesn’t seem to lead more women to commit suicide.^f
78. Though studies remain inconclusive, among the professional disciplines, doctors are twice as likely to kill themselves as the general population. And female physicians are more likely than their male counterparts. Some scholars have identified psychiatry, anesthesiology, and ophthalmology as specialties at greater risk for suicide, with pediatrics having the least risk.^b
79. Druids or priests of the Celtic people believed that those who killed themselves to accompany their dead friends will live with them in the after life.^b
80. Prolonged exposure to extremely low-frequency electromagnetic fields such as those emitted by large power lines may double the risk of suicide. Researchers suggest that electromagnetic fields may reduce the production of melatonin, a hormone that maintains daily circadian rhythms, which are also associated with depression.^b
81. The last time someone jumped off the Empire State Building was in 2000, but there have been more than 30 suicides at the 1,250 foot skyscraper since it opened in 1941. Most people who jump never made it the street, but landed on one of the building’s setbacks.^g
82. The suicide rate for Alaskan Native Indians is twice that of the U.S. population, and in western Alaska, the Eskimo suicide rates are even higher. The most common method used is hanging.^g
83. Fiji Indians have the world’s highest female suicide rates. A major cause of the rise of suicides has been the erosion of social structures and values. Additionally, early Fiji Islanders forced the many wives of a tribal chieftain to kill themselves when he died. The women would actually compete to be the first to die, believing the first would become the chieftain’s favorite wife in the afterworld.^f
84. The odds that potentially suicidal adolescents will kill themselves double when a gun is kept in the home.^b
85. In the United States, Nevada consistently leads suicide rate statistics, with Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Montana, New Mexico, Oregon, Washington, and Wyoming variously falling within the top ten. Highest regional rates are generally those of the Rocky Mountain and West Coast areas, with the South showing the lowest rate, except for Florida.^b
86. Since the Golden Gate Bridge opened in 1937, more than 1,200 people have jumped to their deaths, making it the number one spot in the world for suicides.^b
87. Abel Griffiths was the last person who committed suicide in England to be dragged through the streets of London and buried at a crossroads. He was a 22-year-old law student and was buried in only his drawers, socks, and a sheet in June 1823. The usual tradition of driving a stake through the corpse was omitted. Crossroads represented the sign of the cross and the steady traffic over the grave was believed to help keep the person’s ghost down. Also, ancient sacrificial victims had been slain at crossroads.^b
88. In the movie Soylent Green (1973) starring Charlton Heston, people in an overcrowded world are encouraged to enter special suicide centers. The corpses are later processed into Soylent Green wafers as food for the overpopulated world.^b
89. The first scientific study of suicide was Le Suicide written by French sociologist Emile Durkheim (1858-1917).^e
90. The M*A*S*H theme song is titled “Suicide is Painless” and contains the lyrics “. . . cause suicide is painless/It brings on many changes/And I can take it or leave it if I please.”^b

Most insurance policies include a suicide provision, given that the suicide took place two years after the policy issue date

91. The usual modern life insurance policy will pay for death by suicide provided that the death occurs two years or more after the initiation of the policy.^b
92. Between 10% and 35% of people who commit suicide leave behind a note.^e
93. Publius Cornelius Tacitus (c. A.D. 55-120) reports on the ancient practice of pinning down the body of suicide victims in bogs. The practice predates Christianity among Germanic tribes and was done to prevent the spirits of the dead from haunting or harming the living.^b
94. Monday appears to be the day on which most suicides occur. Saturday sees the fewest.^e
95. Some experts believe that 25% of drivers who die in auto accidents cause them subconsciously. “Autocides” are suicides disguised as automobile accidents.^b
96. Nearly 10% of fatal police shootings in the United States are a result of “suicide by cop.”^b
97. Many more suicides are linked to psychiatric illness than to serious medical disorders such as Huntington’s disease, multiple sclerosis, or cancer.^e
98. Many Jews imprisoned at Treblinka, one of the most notorious World War II Nazi concentration camps, chose to kill themselves as an affirmation of the freedom to control their own destiny.^d
99. One suicide victim who committed suicide by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge left behind a note saying: “I’m going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.”^e

-- Posted July 15, 2009

References
^a Duke, Alan. “Carradine’s Body to Return Home, While Questions Remain.” CNN.com. June 5, 2009. Accessed: June 23, 2009.
^b Evans, Glen, et. al. 2003. The Encyclopedia of Suicide. 2nd ed. New York, NY: Facts on File, Inc.
^c “Florida Teen Broadcasts Suicide on the Internet.” New York Post. November 21, 2008. Accessed: June 23, 2009.
^d Goeschel, Christian. 2009. Suicide in Nazi Germany. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
^e Jamison, Kay Redfield. 1999. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
^f Joiner, Thomas. 2005. Why People Die by Suicide. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
^g Lieberman, Lisa. 2003. Leaving You: The Cultural Meaning of Suicide. Chicago, IL: Ivan R. Dee Publisher.
^h “Military Suicide Rate.” ChicagoTribune.com. May 29, 2009. Accessed: June 23, 2009.
ⁱ Minois, Georges. 1999. History of Suicide: Voluntary Death in Western Culture. Trans. Lydia G. Cochrane. Baltimore, MD: The John Hopkins University Press.
^j Murray, Alexander. 2000. Suicide in the Middle Ages: The Curse on Self-Murder. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

from http://facts.randomhistory.com/2009/07/15_suicide.html

Paw Prints from Heaven

Though you can't see me, I am always around...
Though you can't hear me, I am speaking to you...
Though you can't touch me, I am reaching for you...
The images you see, but cannot explain...
The energy you feel, but cannot see...
The love that you feel, when thinking of me...
My presence you feel, when walking outside...
My hugs remembered, never let go...
My heart that I gave you, that you now wear...
The things you are seeing, that no one can explain...
And the things that you hear, with no one around...
These gifts that I give you, are my Paw Prints from Heaven.

- Romeo

Please Hold Onto Hope - A Personal Message from ne033x

Many of my friends and family know the "history" I have with my ex, Dara. Her drug addiction, and to be fair - mine too. I ended up quitting, and she didn't. She ended up literally losing everything, including her baby boy, Blaze, who I helped raise. I haven't spoken much of the details, but just know that for the past many months I have tried my very best to deal with an absolutely broken heart. You have no idea. I was in Blaze's life since he was just a few months old - changed his diapers, and tried my very best to show him a good world. He was my little buddy. And, he still is - will always be.

In the end, it wasn't about me and Dara, but this little child. He was taken away from his parents and put into foster care, and rightly so. It all depended on Dara to get clean to save him. I tried so hard to get her to realize this. I got frustrated often - even going so far as to tell her that Blaze doesn't deserve this, and that it was her fault. Not a day passed where I did not worry what Blaze was thinking of all of this. This is sense of pain and sorrow that no words can ever describe. What I have been dealing with.

Anyhow, a couple weeks ago, Dara came over and told me she was going to check into treatment for her drug addiction. I was so happy. BUT, I've heard it all before, so I just hoped it was true. She was that beautiful Dara I fell in love with, and I was just floored. I told her that I would literally do anything to help her with this. Well, she cleaned up my house, took care of me, and then all the sudden she was gone. I assumed she went back to her junkie buddies, and at this point, I literally lost all hope. If you watched my Queen music video, that's the story behind it. http://youtu.be/C0dKQrjkHEc

So, I didn't think it could get any worse, but it did - losing all hope in Dara getting better, and for saving Blaze from this bullshit he's had to see. Everything was now a pure struggle for me - just the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning. I felt lost, and everything just seemed hopeless.

Until yesterday...

The first thing that happened was - that morning - me admitting to one of my closest bros that no one understands the bond that Dara and me have. And, I know she's upset cuz I feel it. But, I can't do anything anymore cuz we'd came to the end of our journey together. I remember him telling me, 'you don't have to tell me what you and Dara have because I know.' And, it's the truth - Dara is my soulmate - we both know this. And, I am going to help illustrate this point.

About noon, a friend of mine stopped by and in conversation she brought up that she thought Dara had went to treatment after all. I was shocked - I said, "WHAT?" And, she told me that she didn't know for sure, but she thought Dara had went into the drug treatment program.

About an hour later, I go to my bro again, and I told him what I heard. I told him that I really needed to know for sure because it would literally change everything! I called my friend back and she told me Dara won't even be able to call or write for fifteen days, if she was in treatment. All I could think about was that I needed to know for sure - so I could stop trying to hate someone I love so much.

About an hour later, a call came from a Portland, Oregon number. It was Dara. The first thing she said was that she had this strong feeling that she needed to call me. She convinced the staff there that it was an emergency and called me from the office.

Man! Here's where my "manhood" comes into question because I started crying the minute I heard her voice. She'd been clean and in treatment for 5 days already, and she liked it. It was not as hard as she thought it would be. She has her own little apartment, and Blaze will be there in a couple weeks. Yes, it's a family drug abuse treatment program. She's in another city, far away, and she said the program will last months. I reassured her that I would literally do anything to help her with this! She needs anything - she better ask!

Anyhow, I know in my heart and soul that the change has taken hold of her life. This is a miracle. This is - literally - all that meant anything to me in life right now. We both told each other, 'I love you', and I am so happy. And, I'm writing this as an example.

Miracles do happen!

Touched by An Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage

exiles from delight

live coiled in shells of loneliness

until love leaves its high holy temple

and comes into our sight

to liberate us into life.

Love arrives

and in its train come ecstasies

old memories of pleasure

ancient histories of pain.

Yet if we are bold,

love strikes away the chains of fear

from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity

In the flush of love’s light

we dare be brave

And suddenly we see

that love costs all we are

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love

which sets us free.

RIP Amanda Michelle Todd - November 27, 1996 - October 10, 2012

In her life Amanda Todd suffered at the hands of bullies who stalked her and harassed her, in an ordeal that started in cyberspace and spilled into the schoolyard.

Before she died at the age of 15, Amanda created a video telling of her painful experiences in the hope of saving other youths such suffering.

"I'm not doing this for attention. I'm doing this to be an inspiration and to show that I can be strong," Amanda wrote.

Her dream of helping kids is being carried on in the Amanda Todd Legacy, established by her family. This initiative will raise money for anti-bullying education and for support programs to help young people with mental health problems.

Despite growing awareness about the potentially devastating consequences of bullying, advocates working to combat the problem say they're badly in need of financial support.

The Todd family knows Amanda would want to help, to see her mission carried on.

"Amanda was a very caring individual. She would help others who needed help," Amanda's mother Carol told the Vancouver Sun. "One of Amanda's goals was to get her message out there and have it used as a learning tool for others."

It is a message that must be heard; a message aimed at ending bullying.

"We as adults have to pay attention to it. We have to recognize when we see it happening, and then once we see it happening we have to address it properly," British Columbia Premier Christy Clark told the Vancouver Sun in an interview following Amanda's death. "I don't believe for a second that anyone who is bullied doesn't want to report the fact that they were bullied; they don't trust that the people to whom they'll report it will use the information in a way that's going to protect them."

As reported by the Vancouver Sun, "In putting together her video, which Amanda did all on her own, Carol said her daughter wanted to help other young people who are being bullied and to bring attention and education to the problem in the hope of seeing it eradicated."

"I have lost one child but know she wanted her story to save 1,000 more."

For more information please visit:

https://vancouverfoundation.ca/Amanda/donateonline.asp 

EAGLE POEM

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you
And you can't see, can't hear,
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circled in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.

...Joy Harjo

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And his his face amid a crowd of stars.

W. B. Yeats (1865-1939)

The Book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter Three

¹ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
⁹ What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
¹⁰ I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
¹¹ He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
¹² I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
¹³ And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
¹⁴ I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
¹⁵ That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
¹⁶ And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
¹⁷ I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
¹⁸ I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
¹⁹ For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
²⁰ All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
²¹ Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
²² Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

A Personal Note On Love From ne033x

I do believe in God. And I can understand completely why so many don't. God doesn't cause wars, He doesn't judge you - it is man who does this. Everything in this life is up to us as free-thinking individuals to interpret as we will. I feel that the biggest problem we have is forgetting that from birth to the day of our death here - we must never cease to learn.

We are all on our own individual paths with our own burdens and challenges to carry with us. I sincerely feel that the saddest thing is to meet someone along the way who doesn't believe in a higher power or a life beyond what we have here. It explains a lot of the ills in this world, if you believe that this is all that there is. And, i know this sense of hopelessness very well because I once lived it too.

There are countless reasons to believe that there is no God. Especially a God that loves and cares for us. How can he allow so much tragedy to fall on His children? I can absolutely understand this reasoning. You have no idea.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have seen my fair share of hardships. I will never compare my struggles with anyone else, except to say that this has been no easy path to walk. The very hardest for me was to be blessed in meeting my soulmate - my greatest love - best friend, only to have her taken from  me in a car wreck just weeks before we were to be married. I was going to add more, and beleive me, I could literally go on and on. I just want you to know that I can absolutely understand death, loneliness, dispair, utter disappointment, and those just aren't words. I've argued with God, said some pretty bad things, and have been to that point of surrender more than once.

A friend once came to me, asking if I had the time to talk. Her name was Marcy, and she was such a beautiful loving spirit. I was very busy at the time and told her I'd love to talk tomorrow, but just couldn't do it right then. She went home and hung herself with a belt in her closet. Yeah, I know about surrender. After the few years it took me to understand that her death was not my fault, I vowed never to turn anyone away who needed me. And, I also made a promise to myself to do what I could to make my world a better place.

So, maybe you wonder what religeon I follow? By what name do I call my God?

It's pretty simple really - I believe in the religeon of love! I need to stress that I very rarely talk about my spiritual beliefs because I just feel that every one of us shares a very personal relationship with God, and I love that. I have learned so much through every religeon I have had the honor to come into contact with. It's my personal opinion that God has shown Himself to all the major religeons, and if anyone has taken the time to study them , you'd see love as a foundation in them all. I used to use the example of the different religeons being individual children God sent out in the world in different directions. And, I will tell you that wise and loving people exist in these different religeons who consider all of us their brothers and sisters.

Anyways, I'm not writing this to tell you my way is right and I have all the answers because that's what I feel has been our biggest problem. No. I just want to share some Heavenly love and tell anyone that is facing a struggle or hardship in their lives, that no matter how unfair, nonsensical or confusing it may seem right now, it WILL make sense to you eventually. If you've experienced a loss through death, they're not dead - they've gone onto a much better place, and you will see them again! If you're experiencing a heartbreak for whatever reason, this will soon pass, and you will rise from the emotional hole that you're in with a greater understanding of love!

So many of us forget that love truly surrounds us all. You are lonely only by your own choice. If you doubt what I am telling you, it's just a matter of bringing some food to a homeless person on the street, asking them if you can sit down and share a meal with them. I have witnessed on more than one occasion tears flow from their eyes because I took the time to care. I'm offering just one way to help you, because no matter where you are, I promise you there is someone in need of your love - your caring. That is this power of love that I am talking about. On my back is a weeping angel with the words, 'Amor Vincit Omnia'. Because, love does conquer all!

Every single one of us is fighting our own individual struggle and no matter how bad you think you may have it right now, there is somebody who is having it worse than you! It may be hard, but try to notice the things that you can be thankful for. Understand that much that we experience may seem to make no sense, but I can tell you right now - with conviction - that these troubles we encounter make us better people -  wiser, stronger, and with a greater understanding of this world we live in. If obstacles in your way seem impossible to cross, never lose hope that you WILL eventually conquer them!

In all of my personal struggles, the greatest reward I have earned is to not only know a God exists, but to share a close relationship with Him. I am far from perfect - definately not a role model by any means, but the most important thing is that I tried my best. Through every single loss and the numerous tears shed along the way, I thank God every day for showing me the true power of love. And, no matter the situation, I am happy and content in my heart. and, the beautiful thing is I am learning more every day.

I know this was probably very boring, and I apologize. But, I am hoping just one person got something positive from it. Because, even though you may have heard it said without meaning, I do honestly love and care for you as a brother or sister on this long and winding road!

Danny Watson aka ne033x

DO WE NEED THIS KIND?

A wind of change is in the air.
Do we need this kind?
Is it really fair?
Do we really need bailouts?
Along with many, I have my doubts!

We are living in perilous times.
Too much greed, too much crimes.
Poor are poorer, rich are richer.
Are you finally getting the picture?

11 Timothy 3:1
''This know also,
that in the last days
perilous times shall come.''

But we don`t have to fear.
''And when these things begin
to come to pass; then look up,
and lift up your heads;
for your redemption draws near.''
( Luke 21:28 ) 


 By poetalthomas

Ghost Love - a short love story

Back in 1989, being a fresh Psychology graduate, I landed a job in the personnel department in one of the government offices in Quezon City. A male co-worker, Jun, who was eleven years older than me became one of my friends while working there. Jun was kind, loving and romantic. He was the sole breadwinner of his family. His parents and relatives liked me a lot. As I was single and unattached, he courted me in 1990. I accepted his marriage proposal during the latter part of that year.

My parents did not approve of our relationship and during the first quarter of 1991, my parents made me quit my job. My dad was a military man and he threatened Jun to stay away from me. To make our long story short, I left my job because of my family. I lost touch with Jun as I kept myself busy with the family business. Basically, I went on with my life and tried to forget about him.

In the morning of June 2nd 1994, I received a telegram from his aunt saying that Jun had died the day before. Shocked, I crumpled the short note and phoned his aunt for confirmation in a hurry. She told me that after we parted, Jun resigned from his job and drank heavily everyday. He neglected his health as well as his body. Pneumonia caused his sudden death.

"Even up till his remaining hours, all he wanted was to see you. During his final moments while suffering from delirium, he even told us that he still loves you very much." Jun's aunt said.

Sadly, my parents wouldn't allow me to go to his wake. I mourned quietly inside my room. It even came to a point where I tried to convince myself that he wasn't dead.

In January 1995 just before my birthday, Jun visited me in a dream. I dreamed that I was inside a hospital room. I was wearing a hospital gown and I was sitting at the foot of my bed. Jun suddenly appeared before me, clothed in bright lights. We communicated mentally. I told him it wasn't true that he was gone. He replied that I must accept the fact that he was already dead but it didn't mean that he was leaving me.
"I will always be beside you, guarding you." he said.

I cried saying, "I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to fight for our relationship."
He comforted me and soothed me by shrouding me with his bright light. The bliss I felt was interrupted by a voice calling his name.

"It's time for me to go." he told me.

"But what about me?" I asked, tears in my eyes.

"I will always be here for you." he replied.

"And I will be waiting for you there. Don't ever forget that I love you very much."

After saying this, he vanished before my eyes. I woke up crying. After that incident, I finally began to accept his death. Whenever I'm depressed, I feel his presence beside me. I know that somehow somewhere out there, he's still waiting patiently for me.

Entertain Angels Unaware

I lie awake cold and alone,
No place to call my home,

Upon the night,
Darkness is my light,

Everywhere I roam,
To find a place to sleep,

With no shoes upon my feet,
No material things do I keep,

The ground is cold,
My stomach is empty,
As I see people who have plenty.

No one cares for me,
For I am homeless you see,

I have had a hard life,
It started the day I lost my wife,

I don't want sorrow or pity,
Just some love and care,

Maybe some shampoo to wash my hair.
People pass me by,

Without a tear in their eye,
Never giving a hand,

What If I was an angel?
Sent from God above.

To test man of,
His brotherly love?

You will never know,
If you never give true brotherly love,

For we entertain angels unaware,
Never knowing the true spirit hidden there,

This poem is given,
To you as a lesson,

Whenever passing someone in need,
Let go of the greed,

Stop and heed to your heart,
To the call your heart has be given,

Help those in need,
While you are living,

And you will entertain angels unaware!


 by Millette Addison

Lost Souls

In this heartless creation
It is hard to understand
Why some souls choose to wander
Forgetting

Yet I am lost without wandering
My love is a ghost
Ancient - with wisdom
Vital - with tears
Not able to move on
Unable to let go

It's hard to remember a love
You don't recognize in this life
Yet the memory is without thought
Agony - without knowledge
This love - is without mercy

Passing through eternity
Life to the next
Forever searching
In a labyrinth of whispers
For a blissful love
Lost

Longing for the touch
I'll sense when I feel
Whispering to my heart
Comforting this stoned soul

Our love burns within me
But I am lost in the shadows
This entity of dreams
Forever killing me

I believe this love is eternal
The flame will not relinquish
Forever circling me
The very matter of my existence

But for now I simply breath
Awaiting your rescue
Music - bonding our souls
Pain - stirring the memories
While silence shouts out this melody

By Sweet Madness

THE RAINBOW BRIDGE POEM

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

 
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

 
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

 
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Love The Children!

when the money is gone,
and they've taken everything away...
they padlocked your house,
and repoed your car...
the years have passed,
have taken their toll.
even the fires of love,
burned down to embers...
at the end of the day,
at the end of the road...
all you have left are the children.
they carry your heart
to a new day and a new world...
love the children!

every child that is born
carries the holy seed.
whatever it takes,
love the children!
a Jesus, a Buddha, a JFK,
a Gandhi, an Einstein,
a Whitman, a Jefferson...
maybe a stronger, better,
reflection of you!
love the children!

by Eric Cockrell

My Silence

Brothers In Arms from ne033x on Vimeo.

Should I hesitate as I speak
Please don't think me preoccupied
For words don't come easily
When one really cares
And often I evaluate each word
Trying to be anyone
-- but myself
And the fear of rejection
Brings confusion
The confusion brings silence
And my heart prays
That you might hear my silence
-- and understand


-Javan

"It Is Never Too Late To Become What You Might Have Been"

Ever wished you would have done something, but didn't? Something you wanted to do, perhaps even needed to do; but for one reason or no reason at all, you just never did. We all have. And many of us still do. Instead of doing, we don't. And a lifetime of missed opportunities passes us by.


What's the deal here? What makes us frequently turn our backs on the very things that are important to us, things that give our lives meaning and purpose? Why do we needlessly allow so many magical moments to silently slip away?


Why do we leave a trail littered with broken promises and unfulfilled dreams instead of just doing what needs to be done?



"Everything comes too late for those who only wait."
Elbert Hubbard

While there are as many reasons as stars in the sky for not doing what we need to do, the most popular explanation is the old reliable 'it's too late' excuse. Since it's too late, there's no sense doing it. So we don't.


But can it ever really be too late? No, no, absolutely no.


Regardless of how desperate life gets or how hopeless things look, it's never too late. No matter how low we have sunk or how far behind we have fallen, it's never too late. As long as there is a single breath left in our bodies, there's always a chance. And a chance is all we need to turn things around.


As long as we're willing to take that chance, we've got a chance.



"The time for action is now. It's never too late to do something."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Can it ever be too late to open your heart, to open your eyes, to allow life's best to come rushing in?


Can it ever be too late to do your best, to be your best and to make your dreams come true?


Can it ever be too late to give it a try, to give it a whirl, to take your best shot and see where it takes you?


Can it ever be too late to show your appreciation, to express your gratitude, or to simply say 'thank you?'


Can it ever be too late to savor a sunset, to relax in the woods or treasure the tranquility of the endless heavens above?



"There is an immeasurable distance between late and too late."
Og Mandino

Can it ever be too late to care, to share, to hug a loved one or to say I love you?


Can it ever be too late to do a good deed, to whisper a kind word or to offer a hand in need?


Can it ever be too late to flash a friendly smile, to laugh a hearty laugh, or enjoy a meaningful moment?


As long as you're willing to give it a go, it is never too late. And there is just too much to love about life to simply give up and quit. You need to start living boldly, bravely, with nothing held back, nothing left behind. Giving it all that you've got each and every day. No matter how old or how young you may be right now, it's never too late to love, to live, to be all that you have dreamed of being and more.


So get out there a make today a truly memorable day, a fabulous day, a super sensational day that you'll cherish forever.


The Bottom Line: You need to live every second of every minute of every hour of your life.

The Love of Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical,

and self-centered...

Forgive them anyway.



If you are kind,

people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives...

Be kind anyway.



If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and some true enemies...

Succeed anyway.



If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you...

Be honest and frank anyway.



What you spend years building,

some could destroy overnight...

Build anyway.



If you find serenity and happiness,

there may be jealousy...

Be happy anyway.



The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow...

Do good anyway.



Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough...

Give the world the best you've got anyway.



You see, in the final analysis,

it's between you and God,

It was never between you and them anyway.



~~~ Mother Theresa ~~~

What Matters Most

It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we traveled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the years together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we loved at all.

-Martin Nievera